Beautiful Undoing Read online

  Joanna wrote furiously on the little yellow legal pad. She looked up and pushed her glasses down her nose, giving Camille a look that felt very much like she was being measured and found lacking. “So, Camille, have you been taking your antidepressants like I told you to?”

  She swallowed nervously and fidgeted in her seat. “No. I don't like how they make me feel. They make me just want to lay in bed and do nothing, which is kind of the opposite effect they should have, isn't it?”

  Joanna tapped her pen on her lips and sighed. “I think we have much more going on than just grief, Camille. I'm going to be frank with you. I think that you are suffering from schizophrenia and some audio/visual hallucinations. I am going to prescribe a couple of medicines for you that I want you to take. We are out of time for today, but I think that when you see me next week, you will find that your hallucinations have stopped and maybe we can begin progress on you working through your grief.” She scribbled on a prescription pad.

  Camille sat quietly, ready to take the prescriptions and just not fill them. There was no use arguing with Joanna. She always believed she was right. I really should find a new psychiatrist. One that understands me. Who actually listens… Suddenly, she felt warmth all around her and she even smelled a puff of salty air. It was him. He’s never come to me during the day! She couldn't see him but every fiber of her being could feel him. Every pore of her skin opened up to drink him in. It was like being in the darkness for years then stepping into the light. Then she felt heat brush her ear. She shivered as she heard. “You aren't crazy. I'm real. I'm just... different.”

  Closing her eyes, she took in a deep breath. I’m not losing my mind. With nothing left to lose she opened her mouth. “I'm not going to take the medicines. I don't think I'm crazy. I think I have a guardian angel or something. Lots of people have them. Psychics talk about this stuff on TV and I bet they aren't being told they are nuts.” She paused and thought about her argument for a second then continued, “Well, all the time, anyway.”

  Joanna sighed, her pen stilling on the paper. “Camille, we’ve gone through this. I can't help you unless you want to get better.”

  She jumped out of her seat, her temper flaring. “But I do want to get better. I feel like I’m getting better. Why can't you see that?”

  Joanna smiled tightly, as if used to psychos telling her they were getting better. “Camille, you’re distraught. I’m going to prescribe you some anxiety medication too, it's obvious we need something to curb your anxiety.”

  Her mouth fell open and she snorted in derision. “No, I think I'm actually seeing things clearly for the first time in a long time.” She picked her purse up and rushed to the door. Turning the knob, she let herself out into the lobby. He was gone again, but he'd never visited her during the day. She was doing something right this time - she was taking her life back. She threw the glass door of the office open, the metal frame of the door rattling against the wall. Forget her. Hustling across the parking lot to the car, she pulled the door open, slid in the seat and laughed at the absurdity of it all. It was the first time she’d laughed in months, and the sound was foreign to her ears.

  Change was on the horizon, she could feel it.

  Chapter Two

  Staying away from Camille was the hardest thing Casey had ever had to do. It was like being told to give up air or water. You've got it bad and you have to get it together. This can’t happen. Ever. He kept himself busy through the day, doing what he could, where he could to keep away from her. Saving kittens from trees and keeping children from being abducted by murderers? No big deal. He had to stay away, she was becoming too dependent on seeing him. I’m just as dependent on seeing her. She had to branch out and let herself heal, then he could help her complete the transition from broken to whole and leave her life. She'd never know he'd been there, but she'd be healed again. She'd be hale and alone. She could continue on with her human life, marry a man, have children, grow old and eventually she’d die. It would be a good life, he had no doubt of that. Camille deserved all that and more. She deserved the love a man who could truly be there for her. Not someone like him that had nothing to offer.

  Thinking of leaving her for good sent a shaft of pain through his soul. He’d never gotten attached to someone quite like her, but she was different. She’d lost everything and relied on him. She saw him as a good person. He hadn’t been a good person as a human, and now as an angel? He’d worked hard to be who the Big Man expected him to be, but he always felt like he fell short. He'd done a lot of abominable things in the past and his boss had given him a second chance, nurturing the good in him and spending time with him. He had potential, the Big Man said. He'd been helping humans for the past six and a half years, moving up the ranks quickly to become one of the best in the field, but he risked destroying everything now. Throwing away all his hard work seemed asinine, but he’d never met a human who stirred emotions in him before. Not even when he lived as a flesh and blood man. Then he’d been heartless and cruel, but it’s what he’d been raised to become.

  I’m thankful for mercy and forgiveness…

  The smartest thing to do would be to let her go. It was part of his job. Help them deal, help them heal, and move on, was the motto all angels lived by. Don’t get attached, don’t tell them your name. Don’t touch them in any manner. Talk and walk. Technically he just went through the motions and looked the part of a counselor during people's dreams. He was whoever they needed him to be. Human form was an easy one to morph into. Angels were the breeze, the sunlight beams reflecting through the clouds. Humans never noticed them, not until an angel took the form of another human. Then they only saw what they wanted to see. Humans were fickle in that manner. They saw mankind as they wanted as well, believing in the good when there was none, and seeing beauty in flesh when there was putrid hate in the soul.

  What confounded him more than anything was that Camille saw who he used to be when he lived on the earth. She saw him at twenty-three, just before his tragic death. Strong, handsome, and himself. No other human he’d ever helped saw him as he used to be. He’d been famous actors, siblings, loved ones lost. For a grieving widow, who lost her husband in war, he’d become her mate, just for a few weeks. It brought her peace. He’d told her anything she wanted to hear, and the last time he’d checked, she’d moved on, remarried and even had a baby. She had no idea he’d even been there. That was how it should be.

  The way things played out with Camille was wrong. Nothing was going according to plan, and the fact that she saw him as himself terrified him. I should talk to the Big Man about that...He never did though, because he worried that something was wrong and he wouldn’t be allowed to see her again. As the months had passed, he realized he’d broken several rules when it came to Camille, and as time went on, it became easier to bend more rules just to be near to her.

  Floating along on the breeze, he watched over the defenseless humans of the world and let his mind wander. If I were a human man, It would be so easy to fall in love with her. Instead I’m stuck in this form and I can’t do anything about it. She was a conundrum he ached to figure out. That’s a problem. I shouldn’t want to figure her out, I shouldn’t even be considering my life as a human with her. It’s all wrong. I should walk away right now, tell another angel to finish the job. I know I should, but I can’t. I just… can’t.

  He loved her in spite of himself, or maybe because of it. All he wanted to do was be with her, but she was so far from being ready to take the next step of healing... Plus he was pretty sure if his boss knew where his thoughts were, he'd be out of his job of helping, instead being delegated to other jobs in the heavenly realm. It was entirely possible to be demoted, he’d seen it happen, and it wasn’t pretty.

  Camille, however, was beautiful. Maybe not in a traditional sense, but he saw beyond the physical plane. Her soul was full of dark, gaping holes that hurt so much to see it tore him in two, but her eyes were awash with longing and hope. He wanted to know what made
her tick, what made her laugh, and what her favorite color was. He just wasn't supposed to get in that deep. He was in way over his head, drowning really. The right thing to do would be to fly home and tell the Big Man he couldn’t handle the assignment.

  He couldn’t. She was too young to have dealt with so much. She could become an addiction he didn't need. Or perhaps just the addiction he wanted, as long as it didn't ruin everything. He sighed, seeing the last pieces of his undoing sliding into place... Check... The thought chilled him to the core, but excited him nonetheless. The downfall of an angel was a terrible thing, but if it meant being with her a little longer? To feel the way he felt with her even for a few more moments? It would be worth an eternity of punishment.

  He fought to stay away, but every second that passed made it even harder. He wouldn't last much longer. She pulled at him and he couldn’t refuse her call, not anymore. She needs me. Swooping through the clouds at the speed of light, he made a beeline for her. She sat nervously in her psychiatrist’s office, debating on taking medicines that in her heart she didn’t believe she needed. It was simply against the rules to come to her during the daylight hours, but he couldn’t resist her.

  God, she even makes a Mickey Mouse t-shirt sexy... It had been way too long since he'd been with a woman. Angels weren’t allowed that pleasure. That was a physical plane and angels were on a spiritual one. The Big Man decided to leave all those human emotions there just to mess with them and to make them work harder, though. He and his band of angels were all broken souls that had been rescued and given a second chance. They were a ragtag bunch, from various situations and time periods and for some reason they’d been given the most fragile people to protect.

  The Big Man gave them all far too much credit and believed in them a little too much. Casey wasn’t the first to slide down the path of sin, and he wouldn’t be the last. Still, he gave them all another chance… “I’m counting on you all to rise above your pasts. To become better souls in this realm,” the Big Man drilled into them. “I believe in you. I see a goodness, a light that no others have. It comes from your damaged pasts. You know how to survive out there. That’s also why you’re dangerous. You know too much. You’ve all had pasts that carry heavy debts. You’ve done terrible things, been awful people. You’ve broken karmic rules and indulged in too many pleasures in your flesh. Now, you’ll have to work twice as hard to maintain purity in your heavenly form. Purity is key.”

  As the Big Man’s words rang through him, he almost stopped. Then she’d looked at him and her eyes widened in recognition. She sees me. Electricity buzzed through him and he was lost. She noticed him in his angel form. No one had ever… Truthfully, seeing might’ve been a stretch, but she felt his presence. There was no doubt of that. He couldn’t turn away from her mesmerizing gaze. She pinned him in place, and he longed to hold her, to pull her into his arms and carry her far away from all the pain and sadness she felt. As much as he wanted to, he would never be able to truly hold her or sweep her away on his wings. That was folly.

  Tears filled her eyes and she struggled while she listened to the psychiatrist ramble on. Her broken gaze shattered him and he sat down in the chair next to her and stroked her cheek gently. Her skin was the smoothest of silks, a creamy peach shade that was flawless. She stiffened slightly and then relaxed. All she could feel was warmth, he knew that, but he used all of his strength to whisper softly, “You aren't crazy. I'm real. I'm just... different.” Between the emotions coursing through him and using his voice, he could feel himself fading out. Please, hear me…

  Her eyes lit up and she nibbled her bottom lip, nodding slightly. She heard me! His form quivered with exhaustion and he flitted out of the room to rest in a tree. The world blurred around him and he focused in on her, needing a tether to the earth, otherwise he feared he’d blow away in the next breeze. Then he would be in trouble. The Big Man would know he’d just broken another cardinal rule. He talked to a human outside of a dream. His offenses steadily racked up, and he knew before long, he’d have to pay for them all. Just not yet...

  A few moments later, she stormed out of the office and he watched her fling the door of her hideous car open and die laughing in the front seat. He'd never seen her laugh before. Her whole face shone with happiness and her green eyes twinkled. Her eyes weren't just run of the mill hazel-y green. They were the color of a leaf with sunshine pouring through it just after a rainstorm. A rich, vibrant, sometimes emerald green that was mesmerizing and entirely too enticing. It was like gazing into a meadow at dawn. He noticed when he came to her in her dreams that her eyes went the color of a field of trees at twilight, smoky and rich, mossy deep. Eyes a man could get totally lost in... and he didn't have a map to get out. He sighed heavily. But I’m not a man. I shouldn’t be thinking about getting lost in or with Camille. It’s not fair to her or to me.

  Sweeping away once he felt strong enough to, he buried himself in anything he could to stay away from her. Purity is key...he repeated over and over. Purity was for virginal nuns. Not for him.

  Her soul called to his, a siren’s song from across the breeze. He almost turned back to her. Almost.

  Instead he caught a jet stream carrying him far away from her emerald eyes and soft lips. Away from her siren’s call and the downfall that was imminent.

  Staying away for long was impossible, but for the moment, he had to maintain who he was without her. With her? He was no angel.

  Chapter Three

  After sobering up from laughing so hard it hurt, she realized she hadn't laughed in months. It felt good. It felt freeing. Mom and Dad would want her to go on. She'd been stuck in one place too long. It ached thinking of them, kind of like a chest wound sucking air. The hole was getting smaller, but the pain was still there. But it was getting better, regardless of what the psychiatrist said.

  “Screw your audio/visual hallucinations.” She marveled at the fact she had felt him. That's not just audio or visual! If this is going crazy, please, sign me up... she sighed and smiled to herself as she tucked her hair behind her ears. Realizing she sat in the parking lot of her ex-shrink's office looking just like a crazy person, she giggled, pulling her keys from her pocket and starting the car. Meandering down the side streets, she sobered as she came back to the highway. She hated the highway and probably always would. It was the highway that her parents had died on. The wound in her heart pulsed slightly, and she swallowed a huge lump in her throat, blinking back tears. I can do this. I have to.

  Driving carefully to the mall, she was extra careful, and she released a breath she didn’t know she’d held as she pulled into the parking lot. Shutting off the engine, she hyperventilated slightly. I want to run. Maybe I could call a friend and we could go another day? She snorted out loud. I haven't heard from any of those fickle jerks since I blew up at them. I have to do this on my own, and I can. I can do this. She took a deep breath and put her hand on the handle of the door. Another breath and she opened the door slowly. Another breath and she stepped out of the car. Two more and she closed the door and trudged across the parking lot. Three more breaths and she opened the door of the mall and walked into the food court. She sat down in the first seat available, which just happened to be across from a pretzel place. Her knees quaked in fear and she almost threw up.

  Closing her eyes, she took in slow breaths and waited for the nausea to pass. The mall had once been her favorite place as a teen. Now she could hardly stand being around so many people. Suddenly, her stomach growled, and she pressed a hand to her belly. When was the last time I ate?

  Days blended together since he'd stopped coming. She stood from her seat and picked the pretzel place to buy some food from. Once upon a time, salty pretzels with cheese dip had been her favorite. Standing in line, she waited for her turn.

  “Hi, what can I get you?” The gawky cashier asked as she stepped up to the counter.

  “I'd like a pretzel with light salt and cheese dip please, and a lemonade too.” She chewed her bottom li
p and waited for the total.

  The guy grinned widely and looked her up and down. “Yeah? Anything else I can get you?”

  “Um.” She murmured, her eyes widening as she realized he flirted with her. “No. I'm good, thanks.”

  “Oh, okay then,” he grumbled, visibly deflating, “six twenty-eight please.”

  She dug in her purse for her wallet and passed a twenty dollar bill over the counter. Without a smile, he returned her change and moved away presumably to get her food. She tapped her fingers on the counter while she waited, her anxiety abating with each breath. I can do this!

  A few moments later he returned with a plastic cup of lemonade, cheese dip and a steaming pretzel. “Have a nice day, miss,” he murmured curtly.

  She missed his nasty attitude. I am having a nice day! “You too!”

  Eating the chewy pretzel slowly, she wasted time. Picking out some clothes wouldn’t be hard at all. She used to do it all the time, even going so far as to max out the credit card she’d gotten at sixteen. Dad had been furious when he’d gotten the statement, and she’d had to get a job to pay him back.

  “It’s only for emergencies, Cami!” He’d sighed, shaking his head. “What am I going to do with you?”

  Her heart lurched painfully. What am I going to do without you, Dad? I don’t know how to move on. I feel like I’m stuck in neutral and just spinning my wheels. Maybe I am losing my mind, I really think I have some angel who is here to help me. I don’t know what to do. Please Dad, if you’re out there, send me a sign. Tell me that I can move on. Show me how. I’m lost. So completely lost. You promised me you’d always be there for me and now you’re not.